England Boy and the girls made a catapult this weekend. It looked like fun. I, of course, was not home so I did not get to partake in all of the fun. That is the way that it always seems to go though, they do the fun stuff while I get stuck with all the boring mundane crap. In turn, I get to be regarded as the boring one and he is the fun one.

At least I am here though. He is leaving next week. Apparently coming back for the trial that I have to testify in (regarding my sister) and then gone again. Because, you know, that is just the way that we roll.

I don't even know where I stand in regards to our relationship anymore. I know that I don't want to let it/him go and I want to be together, but I am so tired of this being apart crap.

Hell, I guess I have to face it, it isn't even being apart, I want to get married. I try not to even bring him up with new people because I hate being 27 years old with kids and saying "my boyfriend". I feel like such a tool. I don't want to be just ... what ever the hell that we are.

Oh I am sure that he will get around to asking some day, and I'm sure that I'll say yes and just settle for that shit, but I wish that I didn't have to. Ok, I know that I don't *have* to, but I feel like that isn't enough reason to walk away. Not with how attached the girls (and me) are to him.

This sucks. I really dislike feeling this way. I cannot view it in any way other than a weakness.

And then I've got that nagging little voice telling me that "if he actually loved you..." our relationship would have already progressed by now.

Seriously, the boy has said more than once that he wants to marry me and all that shit, but he's just not ready to ask?!

Jesus, I hate feeling stupid and this is exactly how it makes me feel. Like a smarter, prettier girl would never be in this situation. Why the hell don't I just walk away from this?

Oh yeah, I forgot, I can't.